I don’t think I belong in Australia. Just saying that sentence made my throat close up but this has just been on my mind since I got to England, and now I’m in Australia. I just wish I could pick up and move, because as scary as it would be I don’t care. I would do it in a heartbeat.
In all my years of living in Australia, I don’t think I’ve ever turned around and said, “Gee I love Australia!” There is almost nothing here to make me want to stay in Australia. Besides, I live in one of the worst places in Australia, Brisbane. So maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit but what is the point of living in Australia, a country KNOWN for it’s beaches and so-called tropical weather when there is no beach!?! It’s just hot and sticky and then if you don’t have a pool either than it’s even worse. Brisbane isn’t even a very nice city! I mean I might have slightly different thoughts about this if I lived down at the beach or in Melbourne where it’s actually pretty cold and occasionally snows but I just want to leave. Australia also just has bad reputation, we’re like the land of bogans or something. I don’t want to be from that country. I swear when I was England, at least one if five people has like green hair or something, but Australia is so vanilla. There are things here that I would miss, some of my friends and uncle, cousin and his partner but if I’m being honest I would not miss the rest of my Dad’s family as much as I do miss the family I’ve met like four times. I know how bad that sounds but I barley ever see them and there’s always some sort of drama, or something. They’re my family but if moved we would basically see them around the same amount of time we do. I don’t think I would have second thoughts about moving if I had the opportunity though. Of course it’s different for the rest of my family. I’m not too sure about my dad but I don’t think my brother wants to move. My mum would. There are friends she really does love more than anything but she would still move.
Moving would benefit my whole family. My dad doesn’t get that much work, He’s not of those big fancy lawyers who can let you get away with murder and my mum’s job might be coming to a close. She works for Channel 10 on a kids show and Channel 10 is running our of money there’s a good chance they’ll sell the company. My brother has only just moved into high school. He would make new friends. I really understand why he wouldn’t want to move. He’s just met all these cool new kids and he’s in big, old high school now but he has only been there for a year, he’d be fine. Besides what I’ve already said and what you’ll continue to read, a fresh start for me would be… good. It would be scary at a new school in a new country and with an accent but it’s not a big deal. I might be the girl with the accent but it would probably end up turning British eventually anyway. I’m sure I could try changing my pronunciation of certain words as well, like the word data. Instead of me saying da-r-ta I would say da-y-ta. Half the kids at my primary school went to my high school, including almost every popular child in my grade, and not that popularity matters but the view they had of me is probably the same one they had of me in primary school so if they thought I was weird than great, a very large amount of kids think I’m a weirdo! Plus I don’t have any guy friends so starting a new school means a fresh impression and new friends. I don’t even like most of the people I sit with at lunch and out of the group I’m close to this one girl but I still don’t tell her some things… Like this. I’m not romanticizing this though. Starting at a new school on the other side of the world would be so scary. I mean what if they don’t like me? What if my accent is weird and it annoy people? I know I’m going on about like it’s really happening but I know it’ not. I’m making it sound like I think it would be more perfect than I think it really will be, but ever since my trip to England I’ve been weird. I think because I tried telling my mum how I felt last night it made me even more miserable. Today I acted like myself but underneath was a stretching sea of sadness. I keep wanting to cry but I don’t think there are any tears left. A fresh start would be the right thing for everyone, and if things like my parents’ jobs don’t get that much better it can’t be worse than what we have now. Everything is cheaper in England anyway so we won’t be that bad off. If we moved my brother and I would also be so much more educated and well traveled as well because you can travel for cheaper prices and everything is so much cheaper. There is so much more opportunity.
There’s a whole family I’ve never even spent a Christmas with over there, and chances are the only one I will spend with them will be in when I’ve left school, without the rest f my family. My Dad’s side lives in Australia, the country I live in and have for my whole life who I haven’t spent a Christmas with! I want to be with the family who does spend Christmas together. Who isn’t almost insane like this one. They’re just crazy. I shouldn’t say it, but it’s the truth. Every family has it’s problems, my English one isn’t an exception but nothing is like my Australian one. I want to be with the other one, who seems much more excited to see me and likes spoiling me and being around me and makes jokes about me on Facebook. My Australian family forgets its my brother’s birthday! I don’t know how that is supposed to make you feel warm and fuzzy towards them, whether you’re my brother or me.
My mum hasn’t seen this post, but last night I tried to tell her how I felt. She wanted to send my auntie a photo of me in this jumpsuit I’d bought and I don’t know why but it just made me cry, because I thought ‘she could see it if we lived there.” And this is so different to my family in Australia because even if they’re in the same country they still live really really far away in Melbourne (Which is very far away from Brisbane) and we don’t send them photos of me! My mum thinks that like 90% of the reason I want to move is that I don’t feel loved by the family I have here and that’s so untrue it’s not even funny. I’m sure they love me, even if they suck at showing but that sad thing is I don’t know how much I love them. I’m sure I do because they’e my family but I just don’t know how much I love them. I love someone I’ve met 4 time more than them! She just has all these ideas of why I feel this way and they’re all wrong. She won’t listen to what I say to her. I want to move because, whatever Australia has, England has it better. The family, the shops, everything is cheaper, the weather, the houses, everything! I hate Australia but once again my mum didn’t believe me. This is basically how the conversation went: *Mum* You don’t hate Australia, they’re are good things about it. *Me* Like what exactly? *Mum* The weather *Me* Interrupts and says “FOR THE LAST TIME I HATE THE WEATHER I DESPISE IT HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! I just don’t like this country and my mum doesn’t understand that there is a very strong chance that as soon as I finish schoolies after year 12, I’m leaving and it might be for good. Of course I might change my mind before I get to year 12 but I have a strong feeling that this isn’t a phase. I think that until I move I’m going to be thinking about England 24/7. My mum keeps saying “Oh you could go there for uni! Or live there!” But I don’t want that. I won’t get that long to enjoy it as a young person. I want my CHILDHOOD to be there, not part of my short adult life.
My mum seems to think that if we moved I’d have this perfect new life. That I seem to think that my English family is untainted and isn’t dysfunctional like every family to ever roam the Earth and that I’d have some amazing new life. But once again she won’t listen to what I have to say, she won’t change her opinion. I know that they’re are not perfect and that the only reason they’re ever all together is when we’re all there, but I’m not stupid I have ears and eyes, I know that. I don’t expect them to be all together, I mean they live all over England! My Uncle’s family lives in Sheffield and he’s moving to America! My Auntie lives in Scotland and my second Auntie lives in York! And I do know that they fight and disagree, because my mum tells me about it and I hear things and I read things but they’re better than the one here. The difference is I actually want to see them!
When I was overseas I actually told my mum that I wished we moved to England when I was younger and that I wished I could stay here, and I cried but she said that it’s something I will have to come to terms with, and she went through the same thing. I think she might have said she still does sometimes. My mum also said that before I was born she when through a stage where she did discuss it with my dad and my dad wouldn’t be able to cope with it because he would have to do all these test to become a UK lawyer/ barrister. (My dad is in law, by the way.) And to do re-do them would have been too much for him and too hard. I also kind of get but also half disagree with the fact that she said when she met my dad she lived here, in Australia, so it was her home. My dad was marrying into an Australian woman, not someone who was down here for 5 years before going back to the UK, she lived and would probably spend the rest of her life, In Australia. I seriously get that but I think that it’s been so long for her to live here and shed tears over virtually being stuck here that moving shouldn’t be something that’s never discussed. I mean what I just said in the best possible way because she chose to live here, but if they would just have even ONE conversation about it. I also think that, you’ve been together for so long and I know I’m not being naive when I say there is a 1% chance of my parents getting divorced so take a chance. My mum has been in Australia for like 25 years let her go home and bring us too. I’m sure we would all settle in, I know the rest of my family would like it. There are roadblocks standing in front us, for example we just started renovating out house and what would the point of spending loads of money on that and then moving away be?! But I have an answer to that, I just honestly don’t know how my parents would react if I told them my idea, it probably wouldn’t be in agreement with me though. You see, my house is already worth a lot, not because we’re like super rich in some massive house but because of the area. My area has houses going for like $1 million even if they’re small or ugly people want to be in my area because it’s near so many schools and shopping centers and it has quiet streets but the city in the center of so much. I think if we were actually just moving off to the UK and we sold our house, when we got the money for it, the house we would buy in England would cost less than our old house. We would have a small-ish amount of money leftover so we could buy a new house and then have a tiny bit to help us move. I even have ways we can buy houses over there. My mum or mum and dad could go over and buy and then my brother and I fly over after, or we all stay at my auntie’s in England while we look at houses or we stay in an apartment. Housing over there is cheaper anyway, I think. I’m being so stupid because In my spare time, I’m researching. How much would it’s going to cost to bring our pets over, schools in York, I’m even looking up real estate for god’s sake. There are tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this because I want this so badly. I’m acting like if I go tell my parents and show them all that research and how much I want this they’ll be like those parents in the movies. But I know they’re not. They aren’t going to sit down with me on my bed and say ” Honey, you really want this?” And I’m not going to look them in they eye and nod and they won’t sit there for a minute, deliberating it in there heads and say “Let’s do it.” They’re hardly spontaneous at the best of times. I know things are never going to change. I wish they would some how come across this post and read it and they would know how desperate I am and how much I want this, but even then it seems more like a fantasy or a dream. Even if they read this, I’d still find myself living here not there. Maybe they can’t see it the way I see it, but they should try. I’m going to regret not having the remainder of my child hood in England for the rest of my life, even though it’s a decision I can’t even make. Even now I can’t put it into words. This isn’t just some phase I’m going through. Sometimes when you have a fight or you miss someone or you have a test you think about it way more than other things but this is on my mind 24/7. It never leaves. It just sits there in my mind like it’s been glued there. I’m either thinking about it or something is always reminding me of it, and half the time it’s barley related to England. “Oh it’s so hot today! I bet it’s cold in England. I should be there.” “Hey it’s raining! It rains in England, I should be there.” I checked the clock app on my phone and it still has English time from my trip and it said “London: 5:55am.” I thought to myself, that should be my clock time. I should be there with a life that says its 6 in the morning. Whenever I’m looking at like a tree or something, half my brain is looking at that tree but the other half of my tree is thinking of trees or forests in England. Once again I got very “USEFUL” advice when I tried opening up to my mum about this who said” I did the same thing when got to Australia, but its a habit you gave to stop or you won’t enjoy anything.” That may be true for you but not for me. You actually got what you think I shouldn’t even bother dreaming about. It was your choice to move here, but I don’t get that choice. Nothing is topping you from looking into moving back or at least discussing it. It’s not habit I can break, it wired into my brain.
To my mother, I just want to say it’s not something “I can live with.” I am willing right now to just pack up and leave everything I’ve ever known. I’ve cried so many salty tears over this and I know that I won’t be able to stop. I almost cried from watching an English lifestyle show about some vet. Moving to a whole new country on the other side of the world would be such a scary thing to do, and a risk but I would do it in the blink of an eye. I would trade everything I own, not to mention everything I’ve ever known to move there. I want the rain and the cold and everything else that would come with moving. You think I just want to go back because of family but I want to go back for everything, and all things I never got to do. to I am so young, I’m meant to enjoy my life and live it to the fullest but I can’t be do that and just be happy here.